Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself Quotes

Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.

Saying “If you loved me you wouldn’t drink” to an alcoholic makes as much sense as saying “If you loved me, you wouldn’t cough” to someone who has pneumonia.

Feel any feelings that go with rejection; talk about your thoughts; but don’t forfeit your self-esteem to another’s disapproval or rejection of who you are or what you have done.

The pain that comes from loving someone who’s in trouble can be profound.

Furthermore, worrying about people and problems doesn’t help. It doesn’t solve problems, it doesn’t help other people, and it doesn’t help us. It is wasted energy.

We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth. If somebody who is important (or even someone unimportant) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected.

We take things to heart that we have no business taking to heart.

We don’t have to take things so personally.

Pneumonia victims will cough until they get appropriate treatment for their illness. Alcoholics will drink until they get the same. When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don’t love you—they are saying they don’t love themselves.

Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay.

Don’t reject yourself, and don’t give so much power to other people’s rejection of you. It isn’t necessary.

Ever since people first existed, they have been doing all the things we label “codependent.” They have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn’t help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backwards avoiding hurting people’s feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn’t have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn’t believe they deserved silk.

The only one who can truly victimize me is myself, and 99 percent of the time I choose to do that no more.

I know when to say no and when to say yes.

I take responsibility for my choices.

We were, at some time, truly helpless to protect ourselves or solve our problems.

We don’t have to take other people’s behaviors as reflections of our self-worth.

We don’t have to be embarrassed if someone we love chooses to behave inappropriately.

Each person is responsible for his or her behavior.

The formula is simple: In any given situation, detach and ask, “What do I need to do to take care of myself?

Worrying, obsessing, and controlling are illusions. They are tricks we play on ourselves.

Codependents make great employees. They don’t complain; they do more than their share; they do whatever is asked of them; they please people; and they try to do their work perfectly—at least for a while, until they become angry and resentful.

I saw people who were hostile; they had felt so much hurt that hostility was their only defense against being crushed again.

Detaching does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy.

If you have done something inappropriate or you need to solve a problem or change a behavior, then take appropriate steps to take care of yourself. But don’t reject yourself, and don’t give so much power to other people’s rejection of you. It isn’t necessary