A Prairie Home Companion Quotes

The day is short, The night is long, Why do we work so hard, To get what we don’t even want?

Duct tape will not make an honest man out of you.

Stay on the edge of the crowd. Keep your eyes open. That’s my motto.

She had a Mount Rushmore t-shirt on, and those guys never looked so good. Especially Jefferson and Lincoln. Kind of bloated but happy.

The death of an old man is not a tragedy. Forgive him his shortcomings, and thank him for all his love and care.

She shot that bastard in the heart, And ruined his nice suit!

This radio show was done out of an old theater called the Fitzgerald and it had been on the air since Jesus was in the third grade.

I used to work in Chicago, at a convenience store. I used to work in Chicago. I did but I don’t anymore. A lady walked in with some porcelain skin and I asked her what she came in for. “Liquor,” she said, and lick her I did, and I don’t work there anymore.

We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

When God created woman / He gave her not two breasts but three. / When the middle one got in the way, / God performed surgery. / Woman stood before God / With the middle breast in hand / Said,“What do we do with the useless boob?” / And God created man.

Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow was already taken.