Oliver Tate Quotes

“Most people think of themselves as individuals, that there’s no one on the planet like them. This thought motivates them to get out of bed, eat food and walk around like nothing’s wrong. My name is Oliver Tate.”

“I spin around on the swivel chair and look up at the ceiling; Oliver being Oliver being Oliver being Oliver. I am suddenly aware of the separation between my-actual-self and myself-as-seen-by-others. Who would win in an arm wrestle? Who is better-looking? Who has the higher IQ?”

“Problems are like top trumps. I have a pretty good card: Adulterous Mum. But Jordana’s is still better: Tumour Mother.”

“Exercise II. Write a diary, imagining that you are trying to make an old person jealous. I have written an example to get you started: Dear Diary, I spent the morning admiring my skin elasticity. God alive, I feel supple.”

“I don’t know if I’ve come of age, but I’m certainly older now. I feel shrunken, as if there’s a tiny ancient Oliver Tate inside me operating the levers of a life-size Oliver-shaped shell. A shell on which a decrepit picture show replays the same handful of images.”

“She’s too good for me, she’s too good for anyone! All I could do was let her know.”

“Oh diary, I love her, I love her, I love her so much. Jordana is the most amazing person I have ever met. I could eat her. I could drink her blood.”

“That’s a big love letter,” she says, squinting. I know what I’m going to say and for a moment I wish there was a film crew documenting my day-to-day life: “I’ve got a big heart,” I say.”

“She’s moderately unpopular which makes a romance between us more likely.”

“She’s the only person I would allow to be shrunk to microscopic size and explore me in a tiny submersible machine. She is wonderful and beautiful and sensitive and funny and sexy.”

“I would never say snog. I would say osculate.” She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?”

“Thursday morning. I usually let my Mum wake me up but today I have set my alarm for seven. Even from under my duvet, I can hear it bleating on the other side of my room. I hid it inside my plastic crate for faulty joysticks so that I would have to get out of bed, walk across the room, yank it out of the box by its lead and, only then, jab the snooze button. This was a tactical manoeuvre by my previous self. He can be very cruel.”

“For my last birthday, Dad bought me a pocket-sized Collins English Dictionary. It would only fit in a pocket that had been specially designed.”