humor Quotes

“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”

“I warn you, if you bore me, I shall take my revenge.”

“I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to.”

“Never laugh at live dragons...”

“I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny, but we can have lots of good fun that is funny.”

“What do you mean less than nothing? I don’t think there is any such thing as less than nothing. Nothing is absolutely the limit of nothingness. It’s the lowest you can go. It’s the end of the line. How can something be less than nothing? If there were something that was less than nothing, then nothing would not be nothing, it would be something - even though it’s just a very little bit of something. But if nothing is nothing, then nothing has nothing that is less than it is.”

“Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.”

“I suppose I’ll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.”

“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”

“If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.”

“If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.”

“Anyone who thinks the pen is mightier than the sword has not been stabbed with both.”

“Don’t repeat yourself. It’s not only repetitive, it’s redundant, and people have heard it before.”

“Miracles are like pimples, because once you start looking for them you find more than you ever dreamed you’d see.”

“Hain’t we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain’t that a big enough majority in any town?”

“Oh come, now, you don’t mean to let on that you like it?” The brush continued to move. “Like it? Well I don’t see why I oughtn’t to like it. Does a boy get a chance to whitewash a fence every day?” That put the thing in a new light. Ben stopped nibbling his apple. Tom swept his brush daintily back and forth—stepped back to note the effect—added a touch here and there—criticized the effect again—Ben watching every move and getting more and more interested, more and more absorbed. Presently he said: “Say, Tom, let me whitewash a little.”

“Say, Becky, was you ever engaged?” “What’s that?” “Why, engaged to be married.” “No.” “Would you like to?” “I reckon so. I don’t know. What is it like?” “Like? Why it ain’t like anything. You only just tell a boy you won’t ever have anybody but him, ever ever ever, and then you kiss and that’s all. Anybody can do it.”

“Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.”

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d druther not.”

“When we were little,” the Mock Turtle went on at last, more calmly, though still sobbing a little now and then,” we went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle—we used to call him Tortoise—” “Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn’t one?” asked Alice. “We called him Tortoise because he taught us,” said the Mock Turtle angrily. “Really you are very dull!”

“And how many hours a day did you do lessons?” said Alice, in a hurry to change the subject. “Ten hours the first day,” said the Mock Turtle: “nine the next, and so on.” “What a curious plan!” exclaimed Alice. “That’s the reason they’re called lessons,” the Gryphon remarked: “because they lessen from day to day.”

“I’d rather take coffee than compliments just now.”

Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. “Watson” he says, “look up in the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions of stars, Holmes,” says Watson. “And what do you conclude from that, Watson?” Watson thinks for a moment. “Well,” he says, “astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Uh, what does it tell you, Holmes?” “Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”

“I’m not a psychopath, I’m a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.”

“I was deeply interested in the little family history which he detailed to me with all that candor which a Frenchman indulges whenever mere self is the theme.”

“It’s not much of a tail, but I’m sort of attached to it.”

“I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind except that you happen to be insane.”

“It’s been many years since I had such an exemplary vegetable.”

“From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!”

“ASAP. Whatever that means. It must mean, ‘Act swiftly awesome pachyderm!”

“Since stepping reluctantly into public life, I’ve been held up as the most powerful woman in the world and taken down as an “angry black woman.” I’ve wanted to ask my detractors which part of that phrase matters to them the most—is it “angry” or “black” or “woman”?”

“Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.”

“He kills her in her own humor.”

“What a long time whoever lives here is answering this door.” And he knocked again. “But Pooh,” said Piglet, “it’s your own house!” “Oh!” Said Pooh. “So it is,” he said. “Well, let’s go in.”

“The way a crow Shook down on me The dust of snow From a hemlock tree Has given my heart A change of mood And saved some part Of a day I had rued.”

“Everything in this room is edible. Even I’m edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.”

“Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”

“You see, there’s different kinds of dead: there’s sort of dead, mostly dead, and all dead. This fella here, he’s only sort of dead, which means there’s still a memory inside, there’s still bits of brain. You apply a little pressure here, a little more there, sometimes you get results.”

“Sonny, don’t you tell me what’s worthwhile—true love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops. Everybody knows that.”

“You see, there’s different kinds of dead: there’s sort of dead, mostly dead, and all dead.”

“You’ve got about as much charm as a dead slug.”

“You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It’s far more common than you might think.”

“She was of the mind that people should make their own decisions about their own lives, if you can image such a preposterous thing.”

“The horrific crush of humanity on my soul. Haven’t you ever felt it?” “I think I have—in Walmart.”

“You only just tell a boy you won’t ever have anybody but him, ever ever ever, and then you kiss and that’s all. Anybody can do it.”

“While there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good-humour.”

“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good-humour.”

“Time will mellow it, make it a moment for laughter. But now it was not funny, now I did not laugh. It was not the future, it was the present. It was too vivid and too real.”

“God never slams a door in your face without opening a box of Girl Scout cookies…”

“Some jokes are less agreeable than others.”

“Oh me! Oh my! Oh me! Oh my! What a lot of funny things go by.”

The tiny Lilliputians surmise that Gulliver’s watch may be his god, because it is that which, he admits, he seldom does anything without consulting.

You have clearly proved that ignorance, idleness, and vice, are the proper ingredients for qualifying a legislator.

Laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied by those whose interest and abilities lie in perverting, confounding, and eluding them.

“Pardon me: I was born to speak all mirth and no matter.”

“This is a way to kill a wife with kindness, And thus I’ll curb her mad and headstrong humour. He that knows better how to tame a shrew, Now let him speak. ‘Tis charity to show.”

“Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.”

“I am not in the humor for it.”

“I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”

“Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible; and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their works, or of the kinds of writing that they evidently prefer.”

“The prime motive was the desire of a tale-teller to try his hand at a really long story that would hold the attention of readers, amuse them, delight them, and at times maybe excite them or deeply move them.”

Wit and humor do not reside in slow minds.

“She was everything I wanted. She was beautiful and charming, with a quick sense of humor, and she supported me in everything I did.”

“And I have one of those very loud, stupid laughs. I mean if I ever sat behind myself in a movie or something, I’d probably lean over and tell myself to please shut up.”

Jesters do oft prove prophets.

“It’s very easy to be number one: find the guy who is number one, and score one point higher than he does.”

“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”

“She’d also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.”

“Don’t wait until people are dead to give them flowers.”

“My dad told me that when I was born my cheeks were so fat the doctors didn’t know which end to spank.”

“Shouldn’t someone give a pep talk or something?” Minho asked, pulling Thomas’s attention away from Alby. “Go ahead,” Newt replied. Minho nodded and faced the crowd. “Be careful,” he said dryly. “Don’t die.”

“Watch out he’s winding the watch of his wit, by and by it will strike.”

“Why should you think it so strange that in some countries there are monkeys which insinuate themselves into the good graces of the ladies; they are a fourth part human, as I am a fourth part Spaniard.”

“’How many dramas have you in France, sir?’ said Candide to the Abbé. ‘Five or six thousand.’ ‘What a number!’ said Candide. ‘How many good?’ ‘Fifteen or sixteen,’ replied the other. ‘What a number!’ said Martin.”

″‘Are you her boyfriend?’ ... ‘No, I’m her fiancé.’ Nate said. ‘We’ve been promised to each other since birth,’ Summer added. ‘Our wedding isn’t until March.‘”

″‘Not kill us,’ Pigeon corrected. ‘She was mainly just trying to turn us into mindless slaves.‘”

″‘You should have Hugo throw you in the pool.’ The golem turned his head toward Seth, who shrugged. ‘Sure, that would be fun.’ Hugo nodded, grabbed Seth, and, with a motion like a hook shot, flung him skyward. ... Her brother sailed nearly as high as the roof of the house before plummeting down and landing in the center of the deep end with an impressive splash. Kendra ran to the side of the pool. By the time she arrived, Seth was boosting himself out of the waster, hair and clothes dripping. ‘That was the freakiest, awesomest moment in my life!’ Seth declared. ‘But next time, let me take off my shoes.‘”

″‘Funny you guys should mention brownies,’ Seth said. ‘We need a favor.’ ‘Does the favor involve demons trashing our shed?’ Newel asked.

″‘The entire preserve is in danger. Members of the Society of the Evening Star have taken over the house.’ ... He raised his eyebrows. ‘You’re saying there isn’t going to be a Welcome-Back-from-Your-Coma-Party?‘”

“To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.”

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”

“I looked at myself in the mirror of the big armoire beside the bed . . . Of all the ways to be wounded. I suppose it was funny.”

“It’s hard not to immediately fall in love with a dog who has a good sense of humor.”

“He was a man of black and white. And she was color. All the color he had.”

″‘Our sense of humor,’ said Mother, her eyes pooled with laughing tears. ‘They can’t take that away from us, right?’”

″‘Chinese people do many things,’ she said simply. ‘Chinese people do business, do medicine, do painting. Not lazy like American people. We do torture. Best torture.‘”

“Nah... I mean, I’m already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?‘”

“Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine’s Day. And I’m like, ‘Thanks a heap, Coyote Ugly. This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment.‘”

“Don’t fight the system, mock the system.”

“Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.”

“Even though I laughed with them, it felt like I was watching the whole thing from somewhere else, like I was watching a movie about my life instead of living it.”

“The little waiter’s eyebrows wandered about his forehead in confusion.”

“I knew what the old man felt, and pitied him, although I chuckled at heart.”

“I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this”, he begins. He doesn’t blush, and his eyes don’t dart away. Instead I find myself staring into a pair of oceans - one perfect, the other blemished by that tiny ripple. “You’re very attractive.”

“I’ve been complimented on my appearance before. But never in his tone of voice. Of all the things he’s said, I don’t know why this catches me off guard. But it startles me so much that without thinking I blurt out, “I could say the same about you.” I pause. ‘In case you didn’t know.’ ”

“I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this”, he begins. He doesn’t blush, and his eyes don’t dart away. Instead I find myself staring into a pair of oceans - one perfect, the other blemished by that tiny ripple. “You’re very attractive.”

″‘I can see what you’re up to.’ ‘Five foot six inches,’ Shallan said. ‘I suspect that’s all I will ever be up to, unfortunately.‘”

“The joke was that President Bush only declared war when the Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has to pay.”

“Look at all the things that can go wrong for men. There’s the nothing-happening-at-all problem, the too-much-happening-too-soon problem, the dismal-droop-after-a-promising-beginning problem; there’s the size-doesn’t-matter-except-in-my-case problem, the failing-to-deliver-the-goods problem…and what do women have to worry about? A handful of cellulite? Join the club. A spot of I-wonder-how-I-rank? ”

″‘Your name is Lift, right?’ ‘Right.’ ‘And your order?’ ‘More food.‘”

“Having an eye patch actually makes it easier to look through a camera - I don’t have to close one eye like everyone else.”

“...There are too many idiots in this world. And having said it, I have the burden of proving it.”

“Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding.”

″‘I shall not die of a cough.’ ‘True – true,’ I replied.”

“I’m not really putting this very well. My point is this: This book contains precisely zero Important Life Lessons, or Little-Known Facts About Love, or sappy tear-jerking Moments When We Knew We Had Left Our Childhood Behind for Good, or whatever. And, unlike most books in which a girl gets cancer, there are definitely no sugary paradoxical single-sentence-paragraphs that you’re supposed to think are deep because they’re in italics. Do you know what I’m talking about? I’m talking about sentences like this: The cancer had taken her eyeballs, yet she saw the world with more clarity than ever before. Barf. Forget it. For me personally, things are in no way more meaningful because I got to know Rachel before she died. If anything, things are less meaningful. All right?”

“Just coffee. Black - like my soul.”

“The other possibility is that there are witches out there, hiding somewhere, plotting their revenge, liberally applying fireproofing compounds to themselves. And someday they may reappear and start causing trouble. And then what will our high and mighty scientists do? Throw calculator at them? Witches eat calculators.”

“The universe appears to be expanding, much like cooked pasta, as illustrated by observed light from distant galaxies shifting toward the Marinara Spectrum. Some scientists cite this as support for His preference for red sauce, but they are most likely idiots.”

“The Ordinary Princess hardly ever had anyone to talk to, so she had made friends with the forest creatures and talked to them. It tended to make conversation rather one-sided, but that was sometimes an advantage. At least they could not answer back!”

“You rogue, I have been drinking all night. I am not fitted for ‘t.”

“Disclaimer: While Pastafarianism is the only religion based on empirical evidence, it should also be noted that this is a faith-based book. Attentive readers will note numerous holes and contradictions throughout the text; they will even find blatant lies and exaggerations. These have been placed there to test the reader’s faith.”

“The eye patch is a constant reminder that others don’t see the world the same way we do. Not yet, at least.”

“College costs money--a lot. Yet education in itself is not of much value. For example, we can look to the general public’s almost complete disregard for anything that educated people have to say about global warming, shrinking oil reserves, pollution, or the threat of nuclear annihilation. But if this is true, why does something as worthless as a college diploma cost so much money?”

“Scientists tell us that we share 95 percent of our DNA with chimpanzees, and yet we share 99.9 percent of our DNA with Pirates. I ask you, who is the more likely common ancestor?”

“The Flying Spaghetti Monster made the platypus because, unlike scientists, He has a sense of humor. It’s an unlikely sign from God--and until someone can prove me wrong, that’s my theory.”

“Religious Warfare: Someone has described religious warfare as ‘killing people over who has the best invisible friend.’ We tend to agree.”

“But the hawk was the second most precious thing. I was sorry to lose it, and if you make me another one, I promise not to get taken captive by bandits and have to use it to save my life.”

“We are not saying that Evolution can’t exist, only that it is guided by His Noodly Appendage. And our Spaghedeity is extremely modest. For some reason, He went through a great deal of trouble to make us believe that Evolution is true--masking the prominent role of Pirates in our origins, making monkeys seem more important than they really are, generally keeping behind the scenes and out of the spotlight.”

“It’s an accepted fact that there are an uncanny amount of Ramen noodles and dried pastas on college campuses, which provide cheap nutrition for students, thus allowing them to afford more beer. This point yet another finger at the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s influence. Clearly, He is at work in our institutions of higher learning, and this can only bode well for the country’s future.”

“While I agree that I’ve never seen a kiwi bird fly, I disagree with the statement that they can’t fly. How do we know? Couldn’t it just be that they choose not to? You’ll never see me running, but there’s a good chance I could.”

“Try us for thirty days and if you don’t like us, your God will most likely take you back. This is an important detail in spreading His Word. If it works for infomercials, it will definitely work for religion. The God-back guarantee should always be offered up front.”

“What we’re told of Pirates in history books today is blatantly wrong. Thieves and outcasts they were not--these were His Chosen People, the ones who listened and followed His divine plan, whatever it was.”

“Today Plato is nearly forgotten. His beliefs include the notion that people who govern should be intelligent, rational, self-controlled, and in love with wisdom, an idea that has long been discredited.”

“It appears that a college education has been given an artificially high price tag in order to leave students with little money left over for the basic requirements of living. Burdened by poverty, students are induced to drink cheap beer and eat past--in short, they are forced to act like Pirates and Pastafarians--and we can only conclude that this is some part of His greater plan to spread FSMism.”

“With more people on earth today, there are fewer Noodly Appendages to go around, so we each receive less touching--pushing down toward the earth--and thus, with less force downward, we’re taller.”

“Life has three rules: Paradox, Humor, and Change. - Paradox: Life is a mystery; don’t waste your time trying to figure it out. - Humor: Keep a sense of humor, especially about yourself. It is a strength beyond all measure - Change: Know that nothing ever stays the same.”

“Shee, you guys are so unhip it’s a wonder your bums don’t fall off.”

″‘If you ever find you need help again, you know, if you’re in trouble, need a hand out of a tight corner...’ ‘Yeah?’ ‘Please don’t hesitate to get lost.’”

″‘Marvin,” he said, “just get this elevator go up will you? We’ve got to get to Zarniwoop.’ ‘Why?’ asked Marvin dolefully. ‘I don’t know,’ said Zaphod, ‘but when I find him, he’d better have a very good reason for me wanting to see him.‘”

“Well ‒ what shall we hang? The holly or each other?”

“An ugly woman would ruin me, the disease would be sure to strike in and kill me at the sight of her. I think a pretty physician, with engaging manners, would coax a fellow to live through almost anything.”

“Very well, then, I said. I look forward to the day when every schoolchild will read Shakespeare’s great comedic play All’s Good That Ends Good.”

“I had a dream about you last night... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.”

“I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn’t notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.”

“I had a dream about you. We were fishing in the Utah desert. You caught a dinosaur, but due to Federal regulations, we had to release the bones so Ted Kennedy could drive back to the cemetery, drunk.
”

“There are two things that I know for certain guys are good for: pushing swings and killing insects.”

“Life is a cruel, horrible joke and I am the punch line.”

“From here on out, there’s just reality. I think that’s what maturity is: a stoic response to endless reality. But then, what do I know?”

“Instant gratification takes too long.”

“You’d better hold onto your valuables your highness and no, I don’t mean those valuables.”

“When Uncle Stan rose in the morning, he somehow managed to wake the entire household. No one complained, as he was the breadwinner in the family, and in any case he was cheaper and more reliable than an alarm clock.”

“Positive humor is one of our most valuable tools for strengthening family bonds. But humor that belittles can be extremely damaging within the family. Children take sarcasm and humorous exaggeration at face value.”

“On the way home, we sang with special enthusiasm, On top of old Smoky, two thousand feet tall, I shot my old teacher with a big booger ball. I shot her with glory, I shot her with pride. How could I miss her? She’s thirty feet wide.”

“Exercise II. Write a diary, imagining that you are trying to make an old person jealous. I have written an example to get you started: Dear Diary, I spent the morning admiring my skin elasticity. God alive, I feel supple.”

“Thursday morning. I usually let my Mum wake me up but today I have set my alarm for seven. Even from under my duvet, I can hear it bleating on the other side of my room. I hid it inside my plastic crate for faulty joysticks so that I would have to get out of bed, walk across the room, yank it out of the box by its lead and, only then, jab the snooze button. This was a tactical manoeuvre by my previous self. He can be very cruel.”

“For my last birthday, Dad bought me a pocket-sized Collins English Dictionary. It would only fit in a pocket that had been specially designed.”

“A singer can shatter glass with the proper high note,” he said, “but the simplest way to break glass is simply to drop it on the floor.”

″‘Yes, anything that’s lying on the ground,’ said Pippi. A little further on, an old man lay sleeping on the lawn in front of his house. ‘That’s lying on the ground,’ said Pippi, ‘and we’ve found him. We’ll take him!‘”

A great example of an image where the wolves display both terror and humor is in the image of the wolves being shown in creepy shadows as they are watching television and are laughing their heads off.

“I could eat three bowls of goolash, half a pound of wuzzled wheat.”

“But my favorite was How Papa Got His Glass EYe. He’s always tell it different-- sometimes scary, sometimes sad, and once I laughed so hard I fell off his lap.”

“Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.”

“Uncle Terwilliger waltzes with bears.”

“Clothes for every dinosaur. No matter shape or size. We have a wide selection. You won’t believe your eyes. Shirts with room for spikes. Pants with holes for tales. Brontosaurus turtlenecks. They’re all on sale!

“Come_read about these mighty creatures: some are silly, some are mild, some are gentle, some are wild. Come_ read about these beasts of yore in this wondrous world of Dinosaur.”

“I experienced failure and learned to buck up so I could rally those who’d put their trust in me. I suffered rejections and insults often enough to stop fearing them. In other words, I grew up—and got my sense of humor back.”

“The subconscious mind has no sense of humor and people often joke themselves into unhappy experiences.”

Lydia, Christopher and Natalie are used to domestic turmoil. Their parents’ divorce has not made family life any easier in either home.

Spook’s baby sister who is very good at mimicking the noises she hears. From this point on, spreads are split with the little sister making a wonderful variety of noises which are displayed on the recto. These are sweet little stories that would even work now.

Little Spook and the little Prince were playing together when they heard a terrible noise. They went to find Little Spook’s parents who revealed that the noise came from Little Spook’s brand-new baby sister. And that sister can make some noises!

“Gorgeously illustrated by Italian artist Valerio Vidali​, these stories entertain with wit, surprise, and imagination.”

“You know Fezzik, you finally did something right.”

“You know Fezzik, you finally did something right.”

“I do not think you will accept my help since I am only waiting around to kill you.”

“I’m not a complete idiot, you know. You don’t have to look so surprised that I know some big words.”

“Wine: it’s what’s for dinner,” Elliot said with a laugh.”

“Miranda and Punka always raced to the flower garden, shaking their heads as though they had gotten a drop of water on them, and hid from the noisy man.”

“Today was Punka’s birthday. She was one year old. Claudia had given her a dish of cream to celebrate, and now Miranda was washing her face. Miranda was telling Punka that she was goind to have some more kittens soon, any day now.”

“For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words Bother me.”

“If they are having a joke with me, I will have a joke with them.”

The Piglet lived in a very grand house in the middle of a beech-tree, and the beech-tree was in the middle of the forest, and the Piglet lived in the middle of the house. Next to his house was a piece of broken board which had: “TRESPASSERS W” on it. When Christopher Robin asked the Piglet what it meant, he said it was his grandfather’s name, and had been in the family for a long time, Christopher Robin said you couldn’t be called Trespassers W, and Piglet said yes, you could, because his grandfather was, and it was short for Trespassers Will, which was short for Trespassers William. And his grandfather had had two names in case he lost one—Trespassers after an uncle, and William after Trespassers.

“What sort of stories does he like?” “About himself. Because he’s that sort of Bear.”

“I say, old fellow, you’re taking up a good deal of room in my house—do you mind if I use your back legs as a towel-horse? Because, I mean, there they are—doing nothing—and it would be very convenient just to hang the towels on them.”

“Many happy returns of the day,” called out Pooh, forgetting that he had said it already. “Thank you, Pooh, I’m having them,” said Eeyore gloomily.

“But is it really your birthday?” he asked. “It is.” “Oh! Well, Many happy returns of the day, Eeyore.” “And many happy returns to you, Pooh Bear.” “But it isn’t my birthday.” “No, it’s mine.” “But you said ‘Many happy returns’——” “Well, why not? You don’t always want to be miserable on my birthday, do you?” “Oh, I see,” said Pooh.

“My tail’s getting cold. I don’t want to mention it, but I just mention it. I don’t want to complain but there it is. My tail’s cold.”

“Hullo, Pooh. Thank you for asking, but I shall be able to use it again in a day or two.” “Use what?” said Pooh. “What we are talking about.” “I wasn’t talking about anything,” said Pooh, looking puzzled. “My mistake again. I thought you were saying how sorry you were about my tail, being all numb, and could you do anything to help?” “No,” said Pooh. “That wasn’t me,” he said. He thought for a little and then suggested helpfully, “Perhaps it was somebody else.” “Well, thank him for me when you see him.”

“The thing to do is as follows. First, Issue a Reward. Then——” “Just a moment,” said Pooh, holding up his paw. “What do we do to this—what you were saying? You sneezed just as you were going to tell me.” “I didn’t sneeze.” “Yes, you did, Owl.” “Excuse me, Pooh, I didn’t. You can’t sneeze without knowing it.” “Well, you can’t know it without something having been sneezed.” “What I said was, ‘First Issue a Reward’.” “You’re doing it again,” said Pooh sadly.

“It’s an Expedition. That’s what an Expedition means. A long line of everybody. You’d better tell the others to get ready, while I see if my gun’s all right. And we must all bring Provisions.”

“Well, Tommy,” he said, “I wish you and yours every joy in life, old chap, and tons of money, and may you never die till I shoot you. And that’s the wish of a sincere friend, an old friend. You know that?”

“Hallo, Piglet. This is Tigger.” “Oh, is it?” said Piglet, and he edged round to the other side of the table. “I thought Tiggers were smaller than that.” “Not the big ones,” said Tigger.

Tigger said: “Excuse me a moment, but there’s something climbing up your table,” and with one loud Worraworraworraworraworra he jumped at the end of the tablecloth, pulled it to the ground, wrapped himself up in it three times, rolled to the other end of the room, and, after a terrible struggle, got his head into the daylight again, and said cheerfully: “Have I won?”

“That’s my tablecloth,” said Pooh, as he began to unwind Tigger. “I wondered what it was,” said Tigger. “It goes on the table and you put things on it.” “Then why did it try to bite me when I wasn’t looking?” “I don’t think it did,” said Pooh. “It tried,” said Tigger, “but I was too quick for it.”

“Hallo, Rabbit. Fourteen, wasn’t it?” “What was?” “My pots of honey what I was counting.” “Fourteen, that’s right.” “Are you sure?” “No,” said Rabbit.

“Because I know I’m not getting fatter, but his front door may be getting thinner.”

“Did I fall on you, Piglet?” “You fell on me,” said Piglet, feeling himself all over. “I didn’t mean to,” said Pooh sorrowfully. “I didn’t mean to be underneath,” said Piglet sadly.

“Hallo, Eeyore,” he said, “what are you looking for?” “Small, of course,” said Eeyore. “Haven’t you any brain?” “Oh, but didn’t I tell you?” said Rabbit. “Small was found two days ago.” There was a moment’s silence. “Ha-ha,” said Eeyore bitterly. “Merriment and what-not. Don’t apologize. It’s just what would happen.”

They haven’t got Brains, any of them, only grey fluff that’s blown into their heads by mistake, and they don’t Think, but if it goes on snowing for another six weeks or so, one of them will begin to say to himself: ‘Eeyore can’t be so very much too Hot about three o’clock in the morning.’

He hurried back to his own house; and his mind was so busy on the way with the hum that he was getting ready for Eeyore that, when he suddenly saw Piglet sitting in his best arm-chair, he could only stand there rubbing his head and wondering whose house he was in. “Hallo, Piglet,” he said. “I thought you were out.” “No,” said Piglet, “it’s you who were out, Pooh.” “So it was,” said Pooh. “I knew one of us was.”

So he sang it again. The more it SNOWS-tiddely-pom, The more it GOES-tiddely-pom The more it GOES-tiddely-pom On Snowing. And nobody KNOWS-tiddely-pom, How cold my TOES-tiddely-pom How cold my TOES-tiddely-pom Are Growing. He sang it like that, which is much the best way of singing it, and when he had finished, he waited for Piglet to say that, of all the Outdoor Hums for Snowy Weather he had ever heard, this was the best. And, after thinking the matter out carefully, Piglet said: “Pooh,” he said solemnly, “it isn’t the toes so much as the ears.”

“I thought,” said Piglet earnestly, “that if Eeyore stood at the bottom of the tree, and if Pooh stood on Eeyore’s back, and if I stood on Pooh’s shoulders——” “And if Eeyore’s back snapped suddenly, then we could all laugh. Ha ha! Amusing in a quiet way,” said Eeyore, “but not really helpful.” “Well,” said Piglet meekly, “I thought——” “Would it break your back, Eeyore?” asked Pooh, very much surprised. “That’s what would be so interesting, Pooh. Not being quite sure till afterwards.”

“I think——” began Piglet nervously. “Don’t,” said Eeyore.

“Can they fly?” asked Roo. “Yes,” said Tigger, “they’re very good flyers, Tiggers are. Stornry good flyers.” “Oo!” said Roo. “Can they fly as well as Owl?” “Yes,” said Tigger. “Only they don’t want to.”

“If anybody wants to clap,” said Eeyore when he had read this, “now is the time to do it.” They all clapped. “Thank you,” said Eeyore. “Unexpected and gratifying, if a little lacking in Smack.”

“Eeyore, what are you doing there?” said Rabbit. “I’ll give you three guesses, Rabbit. Digging holes in the ground? Wrong. Leaping from branch to branch of a young oak tree? Wrong. Waiting for somebody to help me out of the river? Right. Give Rabbit time, and he’ll always get the answer.”

So she got cross with Owl and said that his house was a Disgrace, all damp and dirty, and it was quite time it did tumble down. Look at that horrid bunch of toadstools growing out of the floor there! So Owl looked down, a little surprised because he didn’t know about this, and then gave a short sarcastic laugh, and explained that that was his sponge, and that if people didn’t know a perfectly ordinary bath-sponge when they saw it, things were coming to a pretty pass.

Why, you could have knocked her over with a feather. Feathers, indeed, were a perpetual menace to Audrey.

“Good God!” said Mark suddenly. There was an instinctive turning of heads towards him. “I beg your pardon, Miss Norris. Sorry, Betty.” Miss Norris smiled her forgiveness. She often wanted to say it herself, particularly at rehearsals.

“Got any brothers, Major?” “No.” “Well, take my advice, and don’t have any.” “Not likely to now,” said the Major.

“Are you prepared to be the complete Watson?” he asked. “Watson?” “Do-you-follow-me-Watson; that one. Are you prepared to have quite obvious things explained to you, to ask futile questions, to give me chances of scoring off you, to make brilliant discoveries of your own two or three days after I have made them myself—all that kind of thing? Because it all helps.” “My dear Tony,” said Bill delightedly, “need you ask?”

“Are you often like this at breakfast?” “Almost invariably. Said he with his mouth full. Exit W. Beverley, L.” “It’s a touch of the sun, I suppose,” said Bill, shaking his head sadly. “It’s the sun and the moon and the stars, all acting together on an empty stomach.”

Cayley says that you will amuse me, but so far you have not made me laugh once. You must try and be more amusing when you have finished your breakfast.

“Oh, idiot, idiot!” Antony cried. “Oh, most super-excellent of Watsons! Oh, you lamb, you blessing! Oh, Gillingham, you incomparable ass!”

“Well, it’s rather useful, that’s all.” “Said Sherlock Holmes enigmatically,” added Bill. “A moment later, his friend Watson had hurled him into the pond.”

“I feel that if I threw you a sardine,” said Antony, with a smile, “you’d catch it in your mouth quite prettily.” “It’s awfully easy to be funny from where you are. How much longer have I got to go on doing this?” Antony looked at his watch. “About three hours. We must get back before daylight. But be quicker if you can, because it’s rather cold for me sitting here.” Bill flicked a handful of water at him and disappeared again.

“Yes. Well, if any of ‘em should happen to be murdered, you might send for me. I’m just getting into the swing of it.”

“So you do know something then, thank goodness! You’re not quite a heathen.”

She was as angry with herself as with Anne, because, whenever she recalled Mrs. Rachel’s dumbfounded countenance her lips twitched with amusement and she felt a most reprehensible desire to laugh.

“Well, since you’ve asked my advice, Marilla,” said Mrs. Lynde amiably—Mrs. Lynde dearly loved to be asked for advice—“I’d just humor her a little at first, that’s what I’d do.”

“Mr. Gresham was a very good man and a very religious man, but he told too many funny stories and made the people laugh in church; he was undignified, and you must have some dignity about a minister, mustn’t you, Matthew?”

“The puffs have been getting bigger and more ridiculous right along; they’re as big as balloons now. Next year anybody who wears them will have to go through a door sideways.”

Never in all her life had Marilla seen anything so grotesque as Anne’s hair at that moment. “Yes, it’s green,” moaned Anne. “I thought nothing could be as bad as red hair. But now I know it’s ten times worse to have green hair. Oh, Marilla, you little know how utterly wretched I am.”

Cast away at the very bottom of the table was the Professor, shouting answers to the questions of a very inquisitive, deaf old gentleman on one side, and talking philosophy with a Frenchman on the other. If Amy had been here, she’d have turned her back on him forever because, sad to relate, he had a great appetite, and shoveled in his dinner in a manner which would have horrified ‘her ladyship’. I didn’t mind, for I like ‘to see folks eat with a relish’, as Hannah says, and the poor man must have needed a deal of food after teaching idiots all day.

“I don’t take to Philip,” said he, smiling, “for it sounds like a moral boy out of the spelling-book, who was so lazy that he fell into a pond, or so fat that he couldn’t see out of his eyes, or so avaricious that he locked up his cake till the mice ate it, or so determined to go a bird’s-nesting that he got himself eaten by bears who lived handy in the neighbourhood.”

At Startop’s suggestion, we put ourselves down for election into a club called The Finches of the Grove: the object of which institution I have never divined, if it were not that the members should dine expensively once a fortnight, to quarrel among themselves as much as possible after dinner, and to cause six waiters to get drunk on the stairs. I know that these gratifying social ends were so invariably accomplished, that Herbert and I understood nothing else to be referred to in the first standing toast of the society: which ran “Gentlemen, may the present promotion of good feeling ever reign predominant among the Finches of the Grove.”

“Some fools would be the better for a good drubbing, as well as having their hair pulled. I am not talking of my late husband now!”