Jon Scieszka Quotes

“Well, as it turned out, he was just a really ugly duckling. And he grew up to be just a really ugly duck. The end.”

“Once upon a time there was a Prince. And this Prince’s dad and mom (the King and Queen) somehow got it into their royal heads that no Princess would be good enough for their boy unless she could feel a pea through one hundred mattresses. So it should come as no surprise that the Prince had a very hard time finding a Princess.”

″‘This might sound odd,’ said the Princess. ‘But I think you need another mattress. I felt like I was sleeping on a lump as big as a bowling ball.‘”

“Foxy Loxy led Chicken Licken, Ducky Lucky, Goosey Loosey, and Cocky Locky to his cave. He didn’t get to eat them though, because Chicken Licken was almost right. The sky wasn’t falling. The Table of Contents was. It fell and squashed everybody. The End.”

“A long time ago, people used to tell magical stories of wonder and enchantment. Those stories were called Fairy Tales. Those stories are not in this book. The stories in this book are almost Fairy Tales. But not quite. The stories in this book are Fairly Stupid Tales.”

In fact, you should definitely go read the stories now, because the rest of this introduction just kind of goes on and on and doesn’t really say anything. I stuck it on to the end here so it would fill up the page and make it look like I really knew what I was talking about.”

“Once upon a time Chicken Licken was standing around when a piece of something fell on her head. She wasn’t the brightest thing on two legs, so she started running around in circles clucking, ‘The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We must tell the President!‘”

“The Prince and Princess were married. And everyone lived happily, though maybe not honestly, ever after.”

“Everyone used to say, ‘What a nice looking bunch of ducklings-all except that one. Boy, he’s really ugly.’ The really ugly duckling heard these people, but he didn’t care. He knew that one day he would probably grow up to be a swan and be bigger and look better than anything in the pond.”

“I look in my closet, and the problems get worse: I have 1 white shirt, 3 blue shirts, 3 striped shirts, and that 1 ugly plaid shirt Uncle Zeno sent me.”

“Mrs. Fibonacci has obviously put a math curse on me. Everything I look at or think about has become a math problem.”

“On Monday in math class Mrs. Fibonacci says, ‘You know, you can think of almost everything as a math problem.’ On Tuesday I start having problems.”

“I’m about to really lose it, when the lunch bell rings. Unfortunately for me, lunch is pizza and apple pie. Each pizza is cut into 8 equal slices. Each pie is cut into 6 equal slices. And you know what that means: fractions.”

“In the afternoon, every subject is a problem. Social studies is a geography problem.”

“English is a word problem: if mail+box=mailbox: Does lipstick-stick=lip.”

“In Art we finally got to relax with a connect-the-dot picture. Too bad it turns out to be a connect-the-ancient-Mayan-numerals picture.”

“There are 24 kids in the class. Rebecca has 24 cupcakes. So what’s the problem? Rebecca wants Mrs. Fibonacci to have a cupcake, too... I raise my hand and tell Mrs. Fibonacci I’m allergic to cupcakes. Everyone believes me and gets on cupcake. No one has to figure out fractions.”

“I stagger out of school. I’m a math zombie now. I have to find something to break this math curse. I decide to try chocolate.”

“I’ve broken the math curse. I can solve any problem.”

“You know, you can think of almost everything as a science experiment...”

“The wolf relates how he was making a birthday cake for his dear old granny when he ran out of sugar. Off he went to his neighbor’s to borrow a cup, but, because of his terrible cold, he sneezed a great sneeze, and the whole straw house fell down, leaving the occupant, the First Little Pig, dead as a doornail. So the wolf ate him.”

“I had this terrible sneezing cold…” “Now this neighbor was a pig, and he wasn’t too bright either… I mean, who in his right mind builds a house out of straw?” “I felt a sneeze coming on. I huffed, snuffed, and I sneezed… and you know what? That whole house fell down.”

“So I went to the the next house, and this guy was the first and second pig’s brother. He must have been the brains of the family, because he had built his house out of bricks.”

“Everybody knows the story of the Three Little Pigs. Or at least they think they do. But I’ll let you in on a little secret. Nobody knows the real story, because nobody has ever heard my side of the story.” That’s Alexander T. Wolf talking, and he’d like to set the record straight. He says, “I don’t know how this whole Big Bad Wolf thing got started, but it’s all wrong . . . The real story is about a sneeze and a cup of sugar.”

“The same thing happened to the Second Little Pig in his house of sticks. When the wolf tried again at the brick house of the Third Little Pig, the rude little porker called the cops on him. The wolf, speaking from behind bars, concludes his indignant testimonial by claiming he was framed.”

“Everybody knows the story of the Three Little Pigs. Or at least they think they do. But I’ll let you in on a little secret. Nobody knows the real story, because nobody has ever heard My side of the story”

“Maybe it’s because of our diet. Hey, it’s not my fault wolves eat cute little animals like bunnies and sheep and pigs. That’s just the way we are. If cheeseburgers were cute, fold would probably think you were Big and Bad, too.”

“I’m the wolf. Alexander T. Wolf. You can call me Al. I don’t know how this whole Big Bad Wolf thing got started, but it’s all wrong. ”

“I was feeling a little better. But I still didn’t have my cup of sugar. So I went to the next neighbor’s house. The neighbor was the First Little Pig’s bother. He was a little smarter, but nor much. He had built his house of sticks. I rang the bell on the stick house. Nobody answered. I called, “Mr Pig, Mr Pig, are you in?” He yelled back, “Go away wolf. You can’t come in. I’m shaving the hairs on my chinny chin chin.”

“And I sneezed a great sneeze. And you know what? That whole darn straw house fell down. And right in the middle of the pile of straw was the First Little Pig- dead as doornail. He had been home the whole time. I seemed like a shame to leave a perfectly good ham dinner lying there in the straw. So I ate it up. Think of it as a big cheeseburger just lying there.”

“But like I was saying, the whole Big Bad Wolf thing is all wrong. The real story is bout a sneeze and a cup of sugar. ”

“So I walked down the street to ask my neighbor a cup of sugar. Now this neighbor was a pig, and he wasn’t too bright, either. He had build his whole house out of straw. Can you believe it? I mean who in his right mind would build a house of straw?”

“So of course the minute I knocked on the door, it fell right in. I didn’t want to just walk into someone else’s house. So I called, “Little Pig, Little Pig, are you in?” No answer. I was just about to go home without the cur of sugar, for my dear old granny’s birthday cake. That’s when my nose started to itch. I felt a sneeze coming on. Well I huffed. and I snuffed.”

“Now you know food will spoil if you just leave it out in the open. So I did the only thing there was to do. I had dinner again. Think of it as a second helping, I was getting awfully full. But my cold was feeling a little better/ And I still didn’t have that cup of sugar for my dear old granny’s birthday cake.”